quiet...

i have wanted to write so may things lately. profound & deep, but i was away from the computer all of last week. i wrote many things in my journal & spent a lot of time quietly pondering...

honestly, i have been struggling::: being very sad & distraught. finally, today there was a break-through. i finally feel a bit more like myself.

i have a friend [sara] that reminds me, when i am in my dark times, that something is right around the corner. how true...

i often struggle & grieve, just to have something simple & amazing steal my breath away. a color makes me smile, or a song makes me feel empowered, or exercising makes me feel so alive.

i am learning, in the darkness, to be thankful & look up at the stars.

love: the art piece.

 

saturday, I created an art piece on a recycled book cover with graphite, aquarelle, acrylic, ink and rub ons. I embellished it with recycled wire & fibers…

creating is a very interesting process… as I was painting this, I really thought I messed it up twice, but as you can see it turned out! that is the exciting thing about art. when you think you have failed, you mostly succeed. something good comes of mistakes if we just forge ahead!

 

be still.

some things are just meant to be... against all odds, no matter what those around you think or say. and in the midst of the chaos swirling around you, hold on. wait. be still. listen.
i can't tell you that it will all work out perfectly the way you've dreamed it -- it might not feel okay at first, but it will work out.
i know this to be true...

garden time.

today, I spent some time weeding out dead, rotten aloe vera in one of my garden beds. aloe vera stinks when it is rotted… smells sort of like some bad alcohol. I may have gotten a buzz. =p

anyways, during the 2 hours I was out there digging & pulling, I started mulling some stuff over, as one often does while in the garden.

we put our roots down so deep, that when we have change in our lives, & feel ourselves being up-rooted, we fight it with all we’ve got. a force [God] is pulling at us, wanting to move us, relocate us, better us… possibly put us in a better protected place, a shaded spot, a restful place.

aloe veras have deep, strong roots, and as I was pulling them, I thought of this. how I might fight, when I need to just surrender. sometimes it is okay to be uprooted.

unbroken.

this last week i have been missing... people. people who are no longer a part of my life... no more texts, phone calls, walks, laughter. no more friendship. 90% of the time, grief is overwhelming. makes me feel broken & alone & incomplete. missing. i am saddened by these few people who have chosen to walk away. i try to understand yet another "why," this why. i try to remember that everything happens for a reason, even people coming & going from my life. i finished another painting tonight. titled "unbroken." i have to remain unbroken through this all, even if i feel broken...

little steps...

so, what did you do today to celebrate st. patty's day?
i headed over to some friends' house for lunch, beer, & painting... it was a great afternoon/evening!
i also used a bag [for art supplies] that i had not used in close to 2 years. odd sounding i know, but some deep, sentimental reasons it has not been emptied & used until today. i felt good about this little step. i put my new prismacolors & stabilios in there, along with a moleskine. sort of a re-christening.
i realize that each "little step" i take, walks me through the grief. i just need to keep moving, and today this is how i moved....

sparked.

it's been awhile, hasn't it? ;) but here i am, finally!
this past week i have been reflecting on what sparked my creativity as a child. i could write "my family" in here & that would be the truth! but what has stood out to me these last few days, is a green, tin bread box, that was housed in a tin shed. a shed that was located in my back yard. this green tin, was overflowing with tubes of paints! my dad's paints from when he was in art school. i would itch to get my hands on them every time we had to park out bikes in that shed.
i was very intrigued and couldn't wait to have a tin full of my own "real" paints!=)
now, i have a room full of my own paints & supplies, but it is so hugely inspiring & special to recall all those moments i opened that shed & saw those paints & heard them calling my name!!!
the green, tin bead box, is now sitting in my parents' kitchen. high above the cabinets. and every once in a while, when my eyes land on it, i smile inside myself, and remember when it was full of colorful, delightful paints!